Photo Of jade

Here is the beautiful little jade

New blog

I have started up a new  blog so i can blog about stuff when i am with Jade as i find it hard to get on and write about things when i get home, as trying to find the time is quite hard, the new blog address is 1 Girl And 3 Boys

Baby Girl

Well Jade is now in an open cot she is out of her incubator :) :) YAY and now wearing baby clothes, she looks so cute, and more like a new born now, also we breast fed yesterday again and she went for about 15 mins, then didnt give her a full feed of 31 mils after it they only gave her 20mls, i also have the Lactation Consultant there with me to whilst i was doing it, and she said that jade was excellent at it, and that we are to do at LEAST one breast feed a day and if she is wide awake and trying to suck on her hands we can give it a go then to even though it might not be her feed time at all, as she needs to start learning what hunger pains are :)

looks like there is a very high chance that Jade will be home for Christmas

About to Explode

I swear i am about to explode with anger soon!!!!!!!!

If everything else isn't enough that's going on at the moment, I know have debit collectors chasing me, for a power bill that's over due and an AVON account that is way over due

I have been stuck paying for just over $400 power bill, that i got while being in hospital pregnant with Jade, I was told by a person that is living with us that they would give us something for it to help out as they were sleeping in the lounge room where our plasma tv is and kept falling asleep and leaving it on all night, I told them that we got the power bill in and how much it was and all i got was "shit not good" after countless efforts to say that I couldn't afford still no money has been handed over for it!!!!!! so once again I AM stuck paying for it, and now have debit collectors chasing ME for it how the hell am i meant to pay whats owing ($302) plus the AVON bill of $190 by the end of next week when i am only on centerlink
I am still having to pay each week, the kids daycare, food for 4 adults and 2 children plus fuel for my car to get to daycare and back each week, and putting fuel in mums car so i can get up and see Jade everyday, if i drive up; i have to pay for parking, not to mention lunch while i am up there, plus also all the other bills that are in my name, and to top it off my car is in need of a massive service!!!!!


Like bloody hell what else can be thrown onto one person at one time!@!!!!! i really and honestly cant take any more,

I still feel like the bloody maid around this house, like yeah mum helps out though mum also runs me around to the hospital and back when i need to go up


though seriously how much is it to ask for someone else to stack the dishwasher or to do the dishes after i cook!!!!!!

I cant do this any more i am going to explode!!!!!!!!!

Heart Breaks

My heart is breaking for a very good friend of mine that i have known since high school, her sister and her partner lost their son Henry John Richardson/Reid may i please ask for everyone who sent prayers my way for Jade to please send them to my friends sister and partner who could really use them for strength to get through this horrible time :(

Sex

I am so looking forward to Daniel getting home on time from work (when ever that might be) i have finally stopped my PPAF and so looking forward to being able to jump him,

We havent been able to DTD since about 12 weeks into my pregnancy with jade, though i am kinda scared  of jumping him as i think it will hurt, and i am terrified of getting pregnant again :(

Information

I really want to add some information to my blog as links that can really help out you guys the ones who read my blog mostly, though i really dont know what to add... as i want it to be helpful for everyone and add more and more to it as i need to though i really need to know what you guys want on there,

Expressing log

I know i have done a lot of these, though i thought if i put the full list down, it might also be able to give me an insite with my supply and possibly get some help with what to do to increase it

9/11/11 - 32mls
10/11/11 - 67.2mls
11/11/11 - 75mls
12/11/11 - 74mls (emotional day)
13/11/11 - 69.6mls
14/11/11 - 73mls
15/11/11 - 72.5mls
16/11/11 - 77.1mls
17/11/11 - 110.5mls
18/11/11 - 170mls
19/11/11 - 140mls
20/11/11 - 220mls
21/11/11 - 280mls
22/11/11 - 245mls
23/11/11 - 320mls ( Jades quota is 312mls per day)
24/11/11 - 320mls
25/11/11 - 360mls
26/11/11 - 345mls
27/11/11 - 365mls
28/11/11 - 315mls
So far today  300mls (its only 3.35pm)


So as you can see it keeps going up and down Jades quota now is 345mls per day as she is on 29mls every 2 hours, and that will go up either tonight or tomorrow night when she gets re weighed, i really think i am going to have my work cut out for me, i am averaging 9 to 10 expresses per day, and trying my hardest to get up once during the night for an express, though i set my alarm it wakes me up i turn it off and i fall back asleep :(

Milk Supply

Well it looks like my milk supply is dropping :(
I really wanted to be able to breast feed this time around :(
I have been on the medication to help increase it though it was working until i got messed around by the doctor getting another script done and had to cut it down, so now i need to re build it back up

Jade is having a few breast feeds if she is awake and looking for it, she doesn't last long on the breast though i know she gets a bit of milk from me, as when they go to top her up will a full feed from her NG tube, they syringe at least 3ml out,

I have tried to up my protein intake as well, though its hard at the moment to get time to eat as i have been so flat out, trying to get sleep as well is the hard bit to,

I am thinking about buying though weight loss bars (not that i need to loose weight) so i can eat them on the run when i dont have time to sit and eat a full on meal, and i also know that they are high in protein as well,

Does anyone have any tips for something quick to eat that can help??

Nearly to an end

Well 2011 is nearly at an end, i really dont know where the time has gone, Or really what has happened this year, as the past 3 weeks have been a blur let along almost 52 weeks

So much stuff this year i am very thankful for,

The birth of Jade,
My husband
My mother (who has been here giving me a hand through the pregnancy and still helping out)
My close friends and family,
People all over the world for their prayers for little Jade
My boys staying healthy and growing strong,
my little angle Bryce watching over us keeping us all safe,

I really wonder what 2012 will bring for us? I am hoping to be returning to work, to give Daniel a bit of a hand, I hope the boys are a lot better behaved, and i pray that Jade will come out of all of this with out any brain damage, and that she will be home with us before 2012

Sorry

Im sorry that i havent been on much to update i  hardly find time to get on any more, i think i need to hook it up so i can blog on my mobile either if its a txt or email, though that might be easier,

Jade is doing well, she is now in Special Care, in bed 666 not to happy about the bed number though, we attempted our first breast feed yesterday she was great, had a bit of a problem getting her to latch on though she fed for about 5 to 10 mins, and then they gave her, her feed after though i think they might of over fed her LOL

Boys are doing good, not to much to report on them,

other than everything else staying the same i swear i am coming down with a head cold of some sort :( so that means i cant be up there to see my baby girl :(

Need to Scream

So i have been keeping this in for a while and things have just been building up so i just need to let them out, things might not be in order or make much sense though i just need to vent

the past 3 weeks have gone so fast, plus have also felt like a nightmare, between having Jade, moving house and just the general stuff, i am completely exhausted, I haven't had time for anything or any one, the boys have suffered big time and it breaks my heart :(

Im up at the hospital every day, from any where from 3 hours to 9 hours a day, sitting beside my little girl, plus doing her cares, feeding her and just letting her know that i am there, and talking with doctors to find out the plan of attack etc, I know it is a mothers job though it is very tiring to be honest and very draining,

I have been trying my hardest with the boys, though they have suffered as i have just been so tired, and so busy they haven't gotten as much attention as they have liked or i have liked though i do try to spend a bit of time with them, though its pretty hard to when i am at the hospital all the time or i am home trying to clean up or cook, or look after 3 adults, and 2 kids plus myself

I still haven't unpacked the whole house yet, our garage is still packed full of boxes, and there is stuff that we need in them though i just don't have the energy to unpack them, let alone know where things are going to go,

I feel like i am the maid around this house, As i seem to be the one who does the cleaning, Washing, Cooking, etc, i know the other do help out, though probably not as much as i would like, i guess its just the small stuff, like after i cook it would be nice if someone else packed the dishwasher, and put it on, or someone else decided to do the washing for me, i don't know i guess i am just complaining about nothing there, though i just feel like everyone's maid

Daniel is out of the house more than what he is in it, between work and him going out to have a life, is starting to get really annoying, as he is basically never home and the kids hardly get a chance to see him, so then again it makes it harder on me, like last night he went out for a "boys night" he went to the movies and the pub with his best mate, like dont get me wrong i dont mind him spending time with his best mate, as they have been friends ever since they were young, and he is going through relationship problems so Daniel is there to help, though it would be nice if Daniel offered to take me out for a change or spend some time with me, though no its ok he can go out have a life and leave the kids with me know all to well just how tired that i am, I would love to be able to go out and just have some time to myself with some friends, though between Being up at the hospital for jade (as no one else will sit p there with her), looking after the kids (when they are not in daycare), cleaning the house, and cooking oh and expressing, there is just not enough hours in the day,

My day starts at 4.30 every morning if not earlier, and doesn't end until 10.30pm if not later, I know i am just bitching about mother hood and its just a part of life though i really need to get this out, and it is stressing me out and i am at the point that i am about to scream,

On another note, i really don't know why Daniel is giving relationship advice, maybe he should take some of his own, though his own marriage is on the rocks, so maybe he should try and fix that first before trying to fix someone elses,

Maybe its just my hormones, maybe its just because i am so tired, though everything is just eating up at me and i just needed to vent, sorry for such the long post though just needed to get it out

though i guess Such Is Life, hey

Expressing log

24/11/11 - 385 mls

More Kind Words and Prayers

I came across yesterday some more kind words and prayers for jade in Tiny Glimmers the amount of support that we are getting for Jade is just humbling we have everyone world wide praying for her

Expressing log

23/11/11 320mls




Jade is only on 26ml every 2 hours, her quota for the day is 312mls, woot woot i made just over what she needs

Expressing log

22/11/11 - 245mls down 35mls :(

More Kind Words and Prayers

Garret Niwa

Just sending this out to as many people as possible. This is Jade Atkinson. She was born premature and is having a little difficulty acclimating to the outside world and currently is experiencing seizures and a brain bleed. Her Mommy, Sarah, and I were both due in January, and through a group of wonderful ladies, we have come to know her family and this precious little baby girl. Please keep her family in your thoughts and praters.

Saturday at 10:22am · 

Sheri Hardison

This is Little Jade Atkinson her mommie is Sarah Maree Atkinson a facebook gaming online friend of mine. Though we have never meet I consider her my friend. Little Jade is very sick please prayer for her. Her mommy, Daddy and two big brothers want her well and at home. Pray God we ask for your healing hands to touch lil Jade's underdeveloped lil body and stops the seizures she is having in your Gracious Heavenly name. Amen.

Saturday at 3:40am ·

another update on Jade

SO jade has taken another turn

She is more than likely going back onto CPAP tonight, as she is having WAY to many Bradies and Apneas, that have taken lots of stimulation to bring her out of

the doctors have told me they are pretty sure its to do with an infection though nothing in her blood work is showing an infection....

Also her lungs are very cloudy as well. so looks like there might be an infection on her lungs to,

she is having an EEG tonight or tomorrow to check for her abnormal brain movements,

Im really scared for my baby girl, i know she is a fighter and that she is strong, though i am SO SO SO SO SO scared that we are going to loose her

Kind words from People

I'm just really shocked from all the kind words and support that people are giving us for Little Jade,
i noticed today that there are a few things going around Facebook for her

Gail Harvey

Please friends, take a minute out to say a quick prayer for one of my friend's newborn daughter. She was born premature & is having some pretty serious medical issues. She is just the sweetest looking baby and a real fighter. Her Mom is one of the strongest, bravest women I know. She has two small children at home and just keeps getting up each day & fighting the fight. I don't know where she gets... the strength. They live in Australia and it is just amazing how much you can care for a family that you have never met and probably never will. It is such a helpless feeling to be so far away and not able to physically help her out. Utter frustration for me. So, please prayers for this little angel and her family. Thanks. xxxoooxxx

 

 and this one as well

Jaclyn Smallmon

Hi all, just asking if you'll either copy and paste this or take afew moments to pray for a precious little baby girl who's fighting for her life. Born at only 30weeks and 3 days gestation little Jade Sydney Atkinson has endured many medical problems during her short time in this world. Please pray to keep her spirit fighting. Xoxo

 

 

Thank you to everyone for everything you have all done, it brings tears to my eyes, knowing that there are so many kind hearted people out there, and most of you i will never have a chance to thank you in person

 

Expressing log

21/11/11 - 280mls

better run down with Jade

The doctors said i had 2 infections that caused her to be born, one was on my placenta (H.influenza) and the other one was in my waters some chrono thing (sorry dont remember the name or the spelling)

When Jade was born she didnt move much at all, or barely breathed, her first apgur was 4 then scored 2 lots of 8 after that,

Long story short Jade had a 2nd degree brain bleed, and now her 2 ventricles are now enlarged the doctors said it was blood clots,  she had seizures on friday full on convulsions, though not convulsions after that, they gave her anti seizure meds to help and i am guessing that it did, now she has been having abnormal brain activity, and every time that she has that, she has a brady, apnea and her resps all drop, everyone that she is having is taking more and more stimulation to get her out of it, and the recovery time is taking longer longer, she doesnt have them continuously though will have a row of them then another then another row of them, though she is starting to have more and more in each row,

The doctors did mention that the brain bleed can turn into brain damage as well, and that is fine DH and i will love her non the less, we jsut want to know if she does or not so we can give her the care that she needs and the support that she needs while being in the NICU and at home,

they have done 2 lumber punctures in 3 days the first one came back blood stained and the second one came back clear, all blood work now is fine no infection in that,   they have also sent of a soiled nappy and also a urine sample as well,

they done a chest xray when she was born and it showed that she had puemonia (sp)

Expressing log

20/11/11 - 220mls

Expressing log

19/11/11 - 140mls


It went down a little so today (20/11/11) i am going to try double pumping for most of the day to see if that helps increase it,


I am no where near making enough to what Jade needs in a day :( i think she is on 276mls per day, and it's only going to go up as she puts more weight on

Why us? Why Jade?

SO yesterday wasn't a very  good day at all, well the start of it was great, i got to the hospital to see Jade and was told she was moving to special care, I thought that was awesome, she a little bit later on while we were in special care, i was just getting ready to express, and i noticed that Jade had started to shake then went into convulsions this started at 12.05pm, right in front of my eyes i was so scared i didn't know what to do, or how to help her, the nurse called for the doctor straight away and he came running, and how i started to get pushed out of the way so the doctors and nurses could do their work and to make sure that Jade was OK, I went out to grab a coffee while the doctors were there, as i was just getting in peoples way and i needed to tell Daniel what was going on, i left my mobile number with the nurse and told her i would be back in 10 mins, i was on my way back when i got the phone call from the nurse to say that she was getting moved back to ICU1 Critical Care Unit, when i got in there there were Doctors everywhere, they Put Jade on a Brains Monitor, to monitor her brain waves, and to see if she was having/had any more Seizures, seeing them putting monitors into her head broke my heart, they had to put them just under the skin, All i wanted to do was to hold her and to tell her that everything was going to be ok,

The doctor then came to me and started talking to me so i knew what was going on, at this stage i was in the corner bawling my eyes out, She said that they had picked up on her last Head ultrasound that Jade had, had a 2nd degree Brain Bleed and they though that this could of been what was causing the seizures and that they were going to keep Jade on the Brains Monitor for 24 hours to see if they could pick up any more (thats if she had any more) And that they were also going to do another Brain Ultrasound, bloods, Blood Gases and a lumber puncture

This morning i called for an update to see how she was over night, and she had had another lot of abnormal brain activity, they wasnt sure if it was another seizure or not, though still waiting for the higher up Doctors to come and assess, also when this happened her heart rate went to 230bpm,

The Doctors have also told us, due to the brain bleed we could be facing Disability or Brain Damage though Daniel and I will cross that road if we ever come to it

Jade is stable at the moment, though i am not allowed to hold her and if i touch her it can only be for a couple of minutes, i feel so useless, my little girl is sick for some reason, and there is nothing that i can do to help her or to make all this stop :(

Expressing log

18/11/11 - 160mls

Weight Check in

Jade is now 1630g Up from 1626 put on 4 grams

Expressing log

17/11/11 - 110.5mls

Looks like the medication is working

Why?

Why do i feel like it is my fault that my baby girl was born early for? I know my body cant hold a pregnancy that long, though for once it wasn't my body rejecting the baby I had an infection, I am still stumped to "how" i got it, and the doctors wont say how either (I'm guessing that they don't know)

though my infection almost killed her :( they said that i had Haemophilus influenzae  that they found on placental swabs that they took
Its like the guilt all over again, I already hold guilt from loosing Bryce, and now with my body almost killing Jade so to speak of, it really upsets me, Was there anything i could of done to prevent this? should i have made the doctors listen to me more when i told them that something wasn't right?

Expressing log

9/11/11 - 32mls
10/11/11 - 67.2mls
11/11/11 - 75mls
12/11/11 - 74mls
13/11/11 - 69.6mls
14/11/11 - 73mls
15/11/11 - 72.5mls
16/11/11 - 77.1mls

Princess is here

Welcome To The World

Jade Sydney Atkinson

1626g (3lb 9 oz)

42cm long (16")

Little Jade was born on the 6th November at 9.49pm,

Moving

well i am so happy to say that Daniel and I have got a new place to move into, we move in as of the weekend, i am really looking forward to it, the house is the same per week as we pay here now,  tough it has an extra bedroom, it also has a double car garage, a dishwasher and it's also got a big back yard that is fully fenced, so now te kids can run inside and outside as much as they like and actually play outside now,

back home again

well i am now back home from hospital AGAIN!! still pregnant, I am now 29 weeks and 5 days gestation,  I had another ultrasound today, and found out that i am no longer fully effaced I now have 5.5mm left of my cervix in length, I am happy about this though i would really like for my body to make up it's mind and really cut all this out, I got to see little princess today and she is so cute :) the technician switched it over to 3D and yeah she is just beautiful

Day by Day

So I am now taking each day as it comes with little princess and with life in general, way to much is going on that i am getting stressed about,
between house hunting, the bills that are never ending, little miss, and just general stress kids etc, its just way to much at the moment,
SO just going to take it a day at a time, i am sure little miss will grace us when she is ready,
I had a few false alarms yesterday with lower back pain coming waves and cramps on and off, though went to bed and woke up still pregnant so guessing its still a false alarm,
The false alarms are starting to become very annoying though i guess there is nothing i can do about them

Topice 1, "Halloween"

I was asked to talk about this Topic from my friend Laurie Droll , though living in Australia we don't really celebrate or participate in Halloween, So what i have done is "Google" some information about it, And also put in some of my thoughts into it as well :)

So as we all know Halloween is celebrated on the 31st October each year, by children and adults,
I think the fun part would be the dressing up in a costume, the going around to every house doing Tick-Or-Treating, the parties And decorating your yard,

How do you choose your costume? there are so many things out there that you could dress up as, I done some searching around on Google and here are a few of the costumes that i think are cute or would like to dress up in

Oh and i remember watching movies or cartoons and Jack-O-Lantern carving is a big thing to, I don't really understand it though i still think they look awesome and there are some really cool designs out there, i honestly think it would take some talent and patients to carve one as pumpkins can be really big, what do you do with the guts of pumpkin afterward? do you use it or throw it out? I have found a few designs that i really like, i'm sure there are a heap more though once again they are just amazing

Oh and lastly you can't forget about the lollies (candy) yumm just thinking about all the sugar makes me so hungry and my mouth water, I am so glad tough it only comes around once a year, Is there any sore that you do and don't give out? what is your favorite?


Well that's all i can really think about at the moment, i am sure there is heaps more out there that i have forgotten, Though what is your favorite part of Halloween?

Topics

So i want to start Posting things in my blog that really matter and what other people want to read about, though i have no clue with what to talk about
So this is where i am asking you all to come in, I need to know what you all want to read about, or if you have any questions that you want me to go into depth about? If you do post it in the comments and let m know also with  link to your blog so i can tag you so you know when your question or topic has been answered

Over It

I am so damn over it... things seem to be getting thrown at us left right and center its never ending....

Daniel and I have just over 3 weeks to move.. we have to be out of here by the 10th November whether we have a place or not... we have looked at quite a few, though the application form never gets put in on time, due to Daniel not really liking the place, and hoping that something better comes along.. or me being in the hospital and waiting for someone to bring the form up to me to fill in..

So on top of that i also received my car rego today that has to be paid for in the next couple of weeks ($304 for 6 months, or $583.60 for 12 months)
Plus a power bill that is now over due... We had someone here staying/living with us, that was meant to chip in and help pay for some of it as they were here for most of it though yeah haven't been able to get anything out of them o that (power bill was just over $400)



So on top of all this, my doctors have said that i need to remain stress free HA! yeah right, how can i be stress free with all of this going on????

Also i can go into labor any day so the anxiety of that is weighing don over the top of me as well... its honestly never ending isn't it.....

27+5

Well i am now 27+5 weeks gestation, I am quite happy to be this far, i never thought that i would of made it this far either, Considering the Doctors said i would even make it past 23 weeks, when i was first admitted into hospital with PTL, though i have made it another 5 weeks,

As of now i am 2cm Dilated, have 5mm left in length of my cervix and i have bulging membranes what a good combination hey...... Oh and also to add on top of it all, Princess is now either Breech, or Transverse, she is no longer head down and engaged any how here is the newest belly photo

Any way that is it at he moment will add more later

new Belly Photo

Thought i ould share today's belly photo, i think she has dropped again

House Hunting

Well we are still house hunting, i never thought it would b so hard to find a house that we like/need, we seen some over the weekend that we liked just need to apply for them, we have 4 more weeks until we have to beout of this house, I wonder if little miss will behave until then?

Getting Bigger

I thought i would share my 26 week belly photo, I am starting to feel huge, i Know i am going to get bigger yet, though i feel like i am as big as i was when i Had deacan

Information

So i am wanting to add on quick links to helpful pages, and also do a links to other peoples blog that could help out other ladies or gentleman or just be an interesting read
So if you have any tips? or any sites, or any blogs that you have found helpful or interesting can you please let me know so i can make sure that others have the chance to read or get the help that they need

Safe?

what is it with people telling me i am "now at the safe stage?"


Yes i am now past viability though i'm not at the safe stage until i have my baby at in my arms, yes i might be at 26 week gestation, and the chances of her surviving are now better than what they were at 24 weeks though i have come to find there is no such thing as a safe stage until you have that child in your arms,

I dont mean to sound like a downer or anything though there are still so many things that could go wrong, i pray to god that it doesn't happen, and i will get to have my little girl in my arms, though people dont seem to understand that,

i am sure everything is going to go fine with bub, as i have had the steroid injections for her lungs and she should be a nice weight (still small tough better than what she was) so i have things looking up for me, though yeah, i wont feel "safe" until i have her in my arms and get to take her home

When it Rains it Pours

WOW talk about a stressful time,

Daniel and I worked it out and we have 5 weeks to be out of this house and into a new one, 5 weeks that's it, and it is so hard to find the right place, it needs to have 4 bedrooms, have a fully fenced back yard, i would like the kitchen to have a good amount of cupboard space, and cant be any more than $370 p/w
Daniel and i have found some that we like we are just waiting to hear back from the property managers to view the property,
I have never moved with the kids, last time that i moved Jason was still in hospital. so when we finally get a place i have told mum that i would like to move while the kids are in daycare, try to get as much as we can out and into the new place while te kids are out, as i can only imagine how hard it is to move with a 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 year old


Got the power bill the other day, bloody just over $400 and it is due tomorrow, i called the power company to ask for a payment plan, as i have been in hospital and it is to much to come up with all in one hit, tough do you think they would let me pay it off??  NO! I have to come up with $100 by tomorrow, then the $300+ in 2 weeks time, not to mention  all theotherbils that i have coming in

I know its just part and parcel with the real world, though why does everything have to come in at once,

I have rego due as well in a couple of weeks, that like $300+ as well  and it's not like i can put that one off. cos if i dont pay it i cant drive my car, and we use it to get the kids round and doctors etc!!!!!

Plus on top of all that i am still having contractions every day,  tough nothing tat is really regular or painful enough to have to go to the hospital, the doctors told me when they discharged me from hospital that i had to remain stress free, YEAH RIGHT!!! like that is going to happen, So i am scared that she can come any day like the doctors said though i am very grateful for every day that she is inside, though this waiting game is really doing my head in, I either want her to knock he crap off (false contractions etc) of just come out already (I WOULD PREFER HER TO STAY IN THOUGH)


Though yeah i guess that sums up the past couple of days, more than likely just a whole heap of randomness though also needed to vent,

25 weeks and 3 days


My new belly shot :)

Feeling?

I don't know if any or most of you would know what i am about to write, though then again you might just understand

Though i have that Gut feeling that princess will be here soon, i can't explain why though i just know, I might get a couple of weeks or i might just get a day, though i honestly have a gut feeling that she will be here with us soon,

Yesterday i started to have a show and have been been loosing other parts of my plug since then though i havent really been having any contractions, just a lot of lower back pain and hip pain, though it goes away after i have a sleep, I have another scan on the 11th, its now the 3rd, so i will no more then, though yeah i cant seem to shake this feeling

Its been to long

Sorry it have been for ever since i last made a post, I have wanted to make a post  for a while though i go to sit down and write it and have a mind blank with what i want to say

First off i am now 25 weeks and 3 days gestation, it has been a fight to get this far though i am very grateful for it, I have just come home from hospital after spending 2 1/2 weeks on hospital bed rest due to PTL, the doctors didnt give Princess a good out come with saying that i was going to deliver any day, though i remembered what theysaid when i was in there with Deacan and he lasted 11 weeks,
I'm grateful foral te help and support that i have/ had while being in there with al the new firends thati made that i will always carry close to my heart, and from all the help from my family and all the prayers and positive thoughts that friends gave,

Both Deacan and Jason are going great, Both have grown so much, and both now have their own little personalities though i will go into that more in a separate post,


Daniel and i are house hunting at the moment as we need to be out of our hose by 10th November (our 4th wedding anniversary) Just trying to find something that suits us and is in our price rage is starting to be more difficult than i thought,

WHY do i keep doing it to myself for?

I went out and seen my sweet little boy today, knowing that it would upset me and get me all emotional,


Now i am having contractions

I miss Bryce so much, every time i go out there, it feels like it cuts the wound even more........


Why does it still upset me so much... its been 3 1/2 years already..... i should be so upset every time i go out there......




I MISS YOU HONEY SO MUCH!!!!!!!


If mummy could turn back he hands of time i would i am so sorry i never got to that hospital quicker

New photos

Work

I just don't know any more, i really don't,
Daniel has started a new job been there for about 7 to 8 weeks now,he works in the city he is up between 5.30am and 6am, out of the house no later than 7.15am and doesn't get home until any where from 6.30 to 8.30pm by that stage the boys are in bed 7 times out of 10 by the time Daniel gets home,
Daniel left his old job due to the hours and the strain it put on us as a family plus he also done a lot more than what he got paid for
I know that his new work is about $12k more per year or maybe more and he does have to put extra hours in here and there, tough almost every night?? he works more at this job then his last job.. i don't want to be married to one of those guys who puts their work first over their family... How are things going to be once the new baby comes along? i cant even see him being able to take time off when she is born,  let alone being able to be there fr the labor

Candle Making

So i think i am going to start getting into candle making, im not really sure where to start or how to do it, though might look in at some art stores and see prices etc, and ten talk to daniel about it and see what he thinks, as i would really like to be able to work from home and to be able to help out financially, not to sure howwell it would go toughi could always give i a go, make a whole heap then take them to the markets or something

Secrets out

Well my secret is out due to a very nasty person on facebook,
Daniel and I are having a little girl.....

Its been a while

I'm so sorry it has taken ages for me to post something, i have been really sick lately, we have had  "whooping cough" go through the house, lucky enough the kids never got it, though Daniel, Mum, Bella and myself all did,

though we seem to be better now, we all have the cough still, though no longer contagious

raising my kids

what is it with people who think they can raise my kids!!!!!! they are mine not yours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


that is all

New car

So looks like next Tuesday or Wednesday i get to get my new car, I am looking forward to it, though i have to go 3 1/2 hours north to pick it up, so that's the only downer to it, though i get freedom back YAY

writing a book

I think i am going to write a book, though im not 100% sure what to write about or what to put in it, maybe if i just do a lot of writing an then just put it all in order  then see whats happens, tough its so hard with what to write, as other people will be reading it, i dont want to do an autobiography though i dont want to have a fiction book either Im sure i'll figure something out, just gotta start putting stuff down,

16w1d

                                                             15w5d

                                                               16w1d



Well i had a Quick scan today to check if peanut was ok, due to the lack of movement and bad lower back pain, and pressure though peanut is fine has a heart rate of 156bpm and my cervix is now 35mm,  so even with the progesterone now, its kepingmy cervix long, there wasalso no funneling either sothats a realy good sign,
Im guessing i could feel peanut for over a day is because he/she is sitting right back low, like right up near my back, im guessing hence why  have so much lower back pain and pressure as well....

There was a huge debate thing on my facebook wall, about other ladies telling me to go p to the hospital ETC and get checked out and how i should be having steroid shot ra ra ra all that other bullshit, i dont really wan to go into FULL detail in why i did, though long story short, i have already been told "your baby is going o be born today and die" and i really didnt want to hear those words again, you can cal me selfish an a bad mother all you want though, words like that REALLY hurt at the best o times, let alone sitting in a cold, emergency room and getting told that again

I have my OB appointment on Tuesday, he is going to roll his yes at me and possibly have a go at me, im nearly 100% sure that my OB hates me... though there isnt much i can do about it but suck it up and deal with it.. then another scan on Friday, my big scan I'll be just over 17 weeks so hopefully i will be able to tell if peanut is a boy or girl, so i can stat giving it a name :) instead of just calling it peanut LOL...

Im not sure if i should tel people the sex of the baby, only because i remember the amount of crap i got last time when i found out Deacan was a boy, and i am REALLY not in the mood again for all that crap to start again, and either way people wont be happy and if they want a reason to bitch they will, though I am happy with either sex of the baby, a BOY would be great as i already have had 3 i have raised  2 and i know the boys will play great together, though a GIRL would be great to as i have never had a girl and  i want to do all the things that my mum never had done with me,

oh yeah here a list of my cervix measurements as well

13w1d 40mm
15w1d 31mm 

Progesterone pessaries started 200mg 1x a day
16w1d 35mm 


Any way that is it for now, i'll come back later and type, il try to have a VERY HAPPY blog post next time :)

4 out of 8

So now it has been 4 out of 8 nights now Daniel  has woken me up rooting my butt my while moaning and gowning another chicks name this is seriously a joke now...... next time he does it i a going to grab it and twist it to the point he wakes up screaming or it breaks

you ask you get told

well i guess i was asking for it, and i souldof know better,

though after Daniel having his "wild" dreams about a lady he works with, i asked him if he found her attractive or had a crush on her, and well yep he finds her attractive i guess tough who wouldn't find her attractive, i posted a photo of her on here, and yeah she really is.....

I guess it wouldn't hurt as bad, if it was any other night but last night, i gave him sex twice yesterday once in the afternoon and once right before he went to sleep, to wake up to him having one of "those" dreams.. kinda made me feel like crap that it wasn't good enough

Normally i am quite a vain person, though lately i feel horrible and unattractive and it doesn't help when my own husband doesn't even look at me that way any more, doesn't give me kisses or hugs or even tel me that i look lovely or pretty, though it quite happy to tel me i am getting fat

Am i over reacting to all of this?? or do i have a right to feel like i do? i really feel like if i told him to go and have sex with her that it is ok to that he would :( and that he would drop me like an egg on a hard floor :(, maybe it would be nice if he introduced me to her, so she could see and know just how i fee and stop egging it on i guess, or that i could tell her what she is doing to our marriage,

I honestly feel like getting a private investigator and see what he is doing where he is going and all of that, though i really shouldn't have to, Daniel should be able to tell me what is going on and how he feels with out hiding anything from me, if he was 100% honest with me maybe i wouldn't be feeling like this... or if he told me i was pretty every now and again that would be nice to

Cats away, the mouse com out to play!!!!

SO i have been informed that "I" have to go up to Maryborough to pick the car up and drive it back down by myself
I dont trust Daniel i dont trust him at all and he knows that, last time i had to go up to maryborough i came home to find that he had been emailing a whorehouse regarding sex and was having phone sex with a hooker, so daniel is being quite firm that i  have to go andpick the car up... so i wonder what shit he is going to be gettin up to

House of Sickness

So if you want to get sick seems like my place is the place to be,
Everyon in this house issick,
we have the dreaded "man flu"
The kids have a head cold/cough
and i have a very severe case of bronchitis/boarder line pneumonia, and the flu

i really hate this man flu thing... the guys suck when they are sick, the whole world is going to end as they are SO sick
mind you i called 000 for myself at 1am Saturday morning due to the fact i couldn't breath, and i spent almost all morning up at the hospital with them running all kinds of tests and Daniel didn't really give two shits about it, he was just pissed off that he had to get up early to watch the kids, as no one was here, and he didn't get a sleep in, so when i finally get home i go to bed to rest and do you think he came in to see how i was? or txt me to see how i was feeling? he really couldnt care,
All i got was  "know you know how i feel" like WTF!!! he isn't even as sick as me at least he can/could breath, and i dint get much of a rest any way i still had to look after the kids, and h gets shity when i told him i was going back to bed, Mind you i am like 15 weeks pregnant to, and i nee to rest, as being this sick cant be good for the baby... though the whole world needs to stop when the man flu is involved
AHH it just shits me

15 weeks

YAY i have made it to 15 weeks, only 9 more weeks until viability and only 25 more weeks until my due date

 things seem to be going so quickly, though i am glad, i don't want a pregnancy that is going to drag...


Things between Daniel and i are still not good, i honestly don't trust that there is nothing going on, the way he acts around other ladies, the things he says and does, like he flirts with them right in front of me, and it doesn't help that these ladies are VERY pretty as well and he does it all the time on facebook, I tel hm how i feel and i get the whole "your starting your paranoid shit" speech, makes me feel great, that i cant even talk to my own husband about anything... then h wonders why i don talk to him and why i put everything in my blog for, thoughi know he has me feeling worthless and horrible,
I feel like a skeleton, skin and bone, with a horrible mouth and a fat pregnancy belly, I dont feel pretty and defiantly dont feel pretty up against the other girls maybe its just my hormones maybe its something else i really dont know
Daniel carries his phone round everywhere with him, ts always on him and always going off, and as soon as it goes off he either walks outside to answer the txt or the phone cal or walks away from me, i ask "who is it" and he gets shity and doesnt really answer

dentist

had my second Dentist appointment today,

Wish i never had it now, I had 7 yep that's right 7 needles in my mouth, 3 fillings, and they tried to pull my back molar out though they couldn't get it numb, The dentist said that i have an infection in it, so i now have to take antibiotics 3 times a day for 5 days then go back and hope they can numb it
All this was done on the top right half of my mouth, i go back next Thursday to to the bottom right hand side, i had the needles at 11.30 and all the numbing didnt wear off until around 5pm, and now my mouth hurts more then what it did before they started

Whats the point

Don't no what the point is anymore

how can i seriously compare  with this?

this is the one daniel was dreaming about last nigt moaning andgrowning, abut then cuddled up to me with a hard on.... se is way to pretty... i can compare to this..... im just skin and bone with a pregy belly......

Not happy at all...

im so not happy with Daniel, whats so ever....

First off now he is showing no interest in me what so ever, everything is an effort... a kiss or cuddle or holding my hand...
Told him i was going to buy him a new wedding band as his old one no longer fits.. he doesn't want to wear it....

And now to top it off he is adding all these pretty girls on facebook that live in Brisbane... and he is ALWAYS taking about a "Roxie" girl he works with, and wouldn't you know it she is smoking hot....

He knows i don't really trust him for past events that he has done, and now this.... and when ever i ask him about her he either changes the subject or doesn't answer me

Im over it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vent

Ok i really need to vent, Im not going to put it in any order, or aim it at anyone, i just need to get this of my chest  and out of my head

I am over having to watch my mouth around other people, why should i be the one who is careful with what they say when others dont give a shit what they say to me, i Have to suck it up and deal with it, even if what they say to me hurts me, though they are able to say whatever they want around me, i dont think thats fair do you?

I'm over not having a car and having to have other people drive me and my kids around, when 9 times out of 10 the ride falls through and i have to either cancel or become over stressed to find a new ride, because it can never fall through a couple of days before your appointment it has to fall through the day before or on that day, i want to have my own freedom back

Why cant i have a straight forward pregnancy? why does mine have to have a lot of problems or be life threatening to myself or my unborn child's life? Why cant i have an easy one for? problem free?

Kids keep driving me mental, i think they are just at that age where they re pushing and being naughty to see what they can get away with and what they cant, Jason is going through the terrible 2's with force, if there is anything to get into he is into it, deacan has just started biting and pinching and they are both just so CLINGY!!!! i know they re just kids and they are just pushing their boundaries though seriously enough is enough

this is more than likely my hormones though just need to get it out

14 weeks

Im 14 weeks today, its starting to go fast,
there is a max of 26 weeks to go i at least wanna go another 24 weeks,

im starting to get scared now though, as it is really starting to sink in, i am going to have 3 under 3!!!!!! how am i going to cope??? the boys get to me know, how am i going o go with 3???

Baby names

i need some hep picking out some uni sexed names, for peanut

dont really know any


Anyone know of some

Catch 22

i seem to be in a catch 22, and i really don't know what to do

Back story


You all know that Daniel and I seem to get pregnant with out even trying or even wanting to be (I'm sorry if that sounds harsh to everyone though to be honest all 3 children and peanut were not planed one bit)
My SIL is having problems getting pregnant, i'm not sure if she has ever been  pregnant before or not,i thinks he is 12 years older than me and hubby (we are 25) and as far as i know she has bee n BCP for a god while,
With every pregnancy i have sent out "belly photos" to everyone including her as i havent wanted her to feel left out

This point in day

I get a txt from her the other day asking me not to send her any more photos as she finds them upsetting, as her and her son to be husband have had no luck (in the mean time i know she isnt happy for us), she has a wedding coming up in 10 weeks (i'll been 23 weeks along, and will have a big belly by then)
if it upsets her now, howis it going o be when i sow up to the wedding with Daniel and i have this huge belly on me,

Catch 22


Don't show up to the wedding to spare her feelings, and then possibly be the worse person in the world as she came to ours OR Go to the wedding with a huge belly and make her upset  as i will have the big huge pregnant belly that she has always wanted and does not have


Either way i am going to be in the shit, either i can wreak her big day, or i can just be a selfish mole and not show up (thats how it comes across to me)



Q: what would you do if my catch 22 was your catch 22?

Sick,

Well yet again the kids are sick AGAIN!!!!!!

They only ever seem to be well for abut a week then are sick again....

The doctor came out Thursday night to check Deacan out listened to his chest looked in his ears and took his temp and said that he was ok, that his chest was clear, and to keep an eye on him for 24 to 48 hours,
So Friday came sent him to daycare
they gave me a call, to say they were really worried about him, Picked him up he was coughing full on, nose running same with eyes and they were red as well, called doctors again, he came out looked over Deacan again said his chest was still clear though he has an upper respiratory infection and put him on antibiotics, Saturday he was still the same nose is getting better though cough is getting worse, then today (Sunday) he is still the same, coughing less though when he coughs he coughs for longer!!!!!! and now he has the runs!!!! just to add something else in there with the mix

Called 13HEALTH and the lady said to get him into the Doctor  tomorrow morning, as his antibiotics may be to strong for him!!! though listening to him tonight i can see it will be a hospital night as the cough is one o the nastiest cough i have ever heard him have....

So thats all deacan


Jason isn't to bad, he has the normal teething stuff, plus now eczema his isn't to bad, just have to put steroid cream on him twice a day for 2 weeks


And to top it all off, yet again my throat is all swollen and i eel i am coming down with a head cold, I am so sick of all this illness, i guess winter isn't around for much longer so guess the kids wont be sick for much longer

So Scared

How am i not men to be scared?


I posted a thing about it on my FB just basically just saying that peanut was god, strong heartbeat though i had bleeding around y placenta


then a "so called" friend said this to me

"dont mean to scare you though that happen to me i lost my child at 16 weeks"

WTF!!!!! she know my history she KNOWS i lost my son from an  IC and a Placentral abruption.... you dont tell that to a mother!!!!!!!!

can't do it again

Im currently 13w2d pregnant


I have had a SCH since 6 weeks gestation, i have ad bleeding on and of all the way through, an i have had 2 gushess of blood in 24 ours, at bout 10 weeks,


I had my NT scan yesterday and the tech said that i have bleeding all around my placenta edges, and depending how she turn the rod thing she could make them all join to one big one, she also said that i am at higher risk of having  another abruption

I had one with DS1 and it basically killed me with blood loss, i am so scared its going to happen again,
Im so scared i am going o have to bury another child (mentally and physically i will not cope)
Im scared that this peanut will be born really early and we will not be as lucky as we were with DS2 and DS3

My cervix is 4cm log at the moment with no funneling or shortening, so i know thats a good sign, and peanut has a strong heart rate of 155bpm, so thats a god thing to, though i have all the other stuff running though my head,

one of those days

I think i am just having one of those down in the dumps hormonal days, where you just be really hard on yourself,  where everything yo do you think isn't right,
I really want to do something with myself and my life and i just have no idea what, i want to write a book, that can help other parents to show them that they are not alone and help with things that i have found helped me with everything, though i honestly don't know where to start,  what to say  or even what to do, I dont know what to even write about



Q, if you as going to buy a good/or hire one out what would you want to read about?

Boys First day

the boys first day at their new daycare was great,

to start with Jason only stayed with me for 5 mins then left to go and play though deacan wasn't to sure about the center,

though called them around 1pm to see how their days were going
and deacan and Jason both ate morning tea (fruit) Jason went back for seconds WTF!!! he never eats fruit for me!!!!

And lunch was fish fingers with pasta and veg and tomato sauce and BOTH of them ate it, and Jason went back for seconds again!!!!! he has NEVER ate meat or veg for me!!!!!!

they both slept well at daycare, Jason had a sleep and wake up crying as he didnt know where he was though as soon as the carer sat with him he was fine

And to top it off i asked jason when we were leaving do you want to come back tomorrow and he was like ya ya ya (his way of saying yes )

yum!!!!

I feel like pan cakes, with maple syrup with cream and peanut butter, and chocolate topping!!!!!!!!

Mornings

Every morning in this house hold is such a pain in the butt, and very busy between getting Daniel up for work and the kids ready for daycare, then trying to clean up dishes bottles etc, its full on,

I get up most mornings between 4.30am and 5am, then need to get Daniel up at 5.30am then the boys wake up any where from 6am onwards we leave here between 7 and 8am, to get them to daycare....

I really hate mornings

Food Time

Food time is always a hassle here at home with Both Jason and Deacan, its always a fight to get them to eat, sit still and eat, or not to make a mess,
I can never seem to get the boys to eat meat or veg, though you put pasta or anything else down in front of them and they will eat it

I'm not sure what to do, i have both boys still on formula until they are eating better, though it doesnt matter what i do to the meat or veg they will no eat it!!!!!!!


Q, If you have kids how do you get them to eat meat and veg?

Watch my belly grow!!!

So i thought it would be a good idea, to  put all the belly photos up that i have and you can watch it grow as i have felt it grow

3 Weeks (Just found out)

4 Weeks

5 Weeks

6 Weeks

7 weeks

8 weeks

9 weeks

10 weeks

11 Weeks

12 weeks

I feel like it has grown heaps, though thats just me :)

Pregnacy

Why do people tend to treat pregnant people differently? I find once people realize that i am pregnant they treat me differently, like i have some sort of disease
I'll be at the shopping center getting food or nappies etc, and people are like, "oh wait ill get that for you" or "oh its OK i can do that for you"
I go to the service station to put fuel in "you shouldn't be doing that in your condition... your husband should be here to help"
Like yeah i understand that people wan to help and are just being kind, though it makes me feel like i have a disability Maybe its just my hormones, though it just really makes me angry

Q. have you or anyone else had this happen to them? if so what did you do

Adding more

So i have been thinking about adding ore to my blog, though I'm not really sure what to add... any suggestions on what you would like to see here? any information that you think would be a great reference tool for yourself?

As i am not sure what to add,  and i know my older blog is full of things, like information ETC, though im not the one ho will be reading it all the time, so thisis where i put it to you


Q. what would you like to see here? what sort of information would really help you out?

13 weeks scan coming up

well on f\Friday the 8th July i have my NT scan for peanut, i'm really looking forward to it, i am hoping we are able to kinda see the gender of him/her, As much as i would love to have a girl (After having 3 boys) i think a boy would be easier...

Though as long as the heart is beating that is all that matters :)



Q, have you been for an early scan and found out the gender? if so how far along were you and was the gender prediction right?

So excited

Im so excited for a really god/close friend of mine :-)  she starts IVF next month :-) she is a wonderful lady , she has been there for me when ever i have needed her, Oh i dont know whos more excited her or me LOL!!!!

Progesterone

So i called a couple of chemists today regarding the type of progesterone that i need and the prices for it, most of them come in a box 100, so for the 100mg box of 100 it costs $100 and the price goes up for the higher ones and its not covered by medicare or the pension card, so i need to come up with $100 upfront,
I really cant afford that to be honest,

I know you cant put a price on your unborn child's life, though by the time you pay rent ETC and dont even have $10 spare a week, how am i meant to come up with at least $100 I dont have private health insurance let alone being able to cover the fortnightly payments, plus be on the waiting period for 2 months before you can claim and i need to start buying it 

GRR what to do!!!!!!! plus to top it off the OB isnt giving me the stitch this time :(

Making money from home

so Daniel and I have tried to do though "make Money From Home" things that you see online all the time and we were ripped off from it we put about $200 into it and didn't get anything out of it, so i just seen a different one and thought i would fill it in and give it a go, so the guy called me about it asked me a couple of questions the turned around and asked if we had $140 to start it up today, i said NO a we just dont it, and he said that we needed it to start it up and hung up on me,
Um like honestly who has a spare $140 that they can just throw around? i know we honestly dont, we 2 kids to feed and having 4 adults living in my house, i thin the 140 would be better spent else where
I have just started to do AVON again to try and make some extra money


Q. what do you do to try and save money or make a little extra?

Almost 3 1/2 years

its almost been 3 1/2 years since we said good bye to Bryce, i still get really teary eyed thinking about him and the what "ifs"  some days are really good like the pain is still there though its not hurting as much as it normally does. though there are still days where i would do anything i could to bring him back and hate myself  for not holding him that much, for not telling him every single day i carried him inside me,


Wow this must make me sound so selfish...  As i have two adorable little boys here at home with me, and another little peanut on the way, i do real love my boys i really do, though i guess i just wonder most days what it would  be like to have 3 little boys running around home with me

The way People treat each other

So i have noticed with a due date board that i on, that some of the ladies are really nasty, Some can be quite nasty towards me, they had a go/shot at me for not going on and talking to them about their other little ones, and only posting when i want to know stuff (Most of the time i dont know how to respond to what they right or i just flat out dont know what they are talking about) though when i do go on there to show an intrest there are some real hurtful stuff on there about me or towards other people, oh and also about my grammar or how my words stick together or i am missing letters out, though my keyboard is stuffed it sticks in places, and doesnt work, and i just type really fast and post, 3/4 of the time i dont even notice a red line under neither showing a spelling mistake, though any way i guess i'll suck it up and deal with it,

Though i dont even know why i bother going on there as the stuff they write about other people is just down right horrible, or they go to another little section and write what ever they want abut people and then others send it to me, GRR makes me really angry and i want to post something as a reply to stick up for myself, though it just adds more fuel to the fire so there is just no point

Q. if this was happening to you what would you do? and how would you respond?

12 weeks

I am so happy i am now 12 weeks along :)

there Is my lovely belly :)

welcome to my new bog

So i have started a new blog now, and i will only be using this one,  So only people i know can read this blog :)